Self-harm: Parents' experiences

Professor Keith Hawton, Director of the University of Oxford Centre for Suicide Research

My name’s Keith Hawton. I’ve been doing research on self-harm for many years and I’d like to tell you a little bit about what self-harm is, how common it is, why it occurs and what the outlook is in someone who is self-harming.

Self-harm is intentional self-injury, such as self-cutting, or self-poisoning such as taking an overdose. It’s extremely common in young people, for example, 10-15 percent of young people report that they self-harm. It’s much more common in girls than boys, maybe three times as common, and it’s often repeated. Some young people indeed harm themselves many many times.

So why do people do it? Well they often do it to deal with bad feelings, feelings of depression, anger, dislike of themselves. It may be done to show other people how bad the person is feeling. It may be done in some cases to get a sense of control over the person’s life. It may be done for reducing tension. And of course sometimes it’s a suicidal act, in other words, the person actually wanted to die.

So what are the reasons that people feel like this? Well this is often due to relationship problems, problems with family, problems with friends, bullying. It may be done because of problems at school, problems with work. It may be because of emotional problems, such as depression, anxiety, and in girls particularly, eating disorders.

Certain people are more vulnerable to self-harming because other people in the family have self-harmed. It may also be more likely where a person is aware of other people who are self-harming, such as friends, or through television, films, or what they’ve seen on the internet. And of course, having the means available for self-harm makes it much more likely.

So what about the outlook for someone who’s self-harming? Well, we know that most young people will stop self-harming perhaps in a few weeks, a few months, sometimes a few years. In a minority it will become part of a longer term pattern of behaviour, and for some it may indicate longer term emotional problems, but for the vast majority, self-harm will stop.

Dr Anne Stewart

Hello, my name’s Anne Stewart, and I work with young people who self-harm. I’m also involved in research. So Professor Hawton has been discussing some of the facts about self-harm in young people, and has underlined just how common it is. But what’s it like to discover, as a parent or carer, that your young person is self-harming?

Most parent feel completely bewildered by this. They cannot understand how a young person could do this to themselves, and they may indeed feel quite angry with the young person. They certainly will feel very fearful about the consequences of self-harm, whether it will do any permanent damage. It can also rock their confidence as parents. They wonder why is this happening to their family. They can feel quite guilty or ashamed, and this may make it quite difficult to share the experience with friends or with other family members. So they can end up feeling pretty alone and isolated. But all these reactions are pretty normal and because self-harm is so common many families are going through this experience.

So we’ve interviewed over 40 parents and carers who’ve experienced self-harm in the family and they share their stories about what it’s really been like, what their reactions have been to it, how they’ve been able to help and support the young person through it, what treatments are available, and what it’s been like going through these treatments. What’s really helped their young person, what’s helped them, and how they’ve all coped as a family.

A strong theme running through all these interviews is just how crucial it is for families to be there alongside the young person, helping and supporting them through it. So in this website you can hear the stories of these people as they share the experiences of self-harm, and there are also useful links to other websites and resources about self-harm.

So we hope you find this website helpful and interesting, whether you’re a person that self-harms themself, or whether you have experience of a young person in your family self-harming. Whether you’re trying to help someone else go through this experience, or indeed whether you are a professional who’s working with families, who really wants to know what it’s like for families when they have to go through this experience.

 

Pat

I think when they first tell you or you first find out all chaps naturally think, why?

Which is the world’s most unhelpful question because the answer is because they can, because they did and yeah, you just think why for a long time. What did I do? What didn’t I do? What could I have done? What should I have done? And they never get answered

Alexis

And she was able to see people at the hospital. She was able to be supported. I was supported. For the first time probably ever someone said, “And how are you doing?” And you sort of think, “Please don’t ask me that because I’m going to cry and, actually, I’m doing crap and I, I’m doing really badly but I haven’t got time for that because I’ve got to care and love and look after and keep my daughter alive.” And her medication was changed and suddenly, she was put on a medication that enabled her to sleep for the first time probably in about six or seven years. Keeps her more balanced and I’m hopeful. I never get complacent. I never take anything for granted.

For the first time, I would say in ten years, twelve years, life feels amazingly normal.

Audrey

Don’t ever be ashamed of talking about self-harming. Don’t ever be ashamed of admitting what you’re going through because I’ll guarantee there’s about fifty other folk out there in the same boat and if by doing this I can at least help one person, raise awareness or help them understand better or help them to acknowledge what’s going on, then I’ll be happy because there’s so much, as I said before, there’s so much of a stigma attached with mental health and with self-harming and it shouldn’t be like that, not in this day and age.

Joanne

Clinicians, listen to the parents, please, please, please. Nobody has spoken to us enough. We’re the ones that know about our children and we’re the ones that can help you to help our children so please talk to us more because sometimes our children won’t talk to you but we can tell you a lot more, especially about their background, about when they were younger, more needs to be found out about the person you’re treating through the parent.

Jane

I would definitely say to have hope that you can come through this and that your child can come through this, for other parents I would say, yeah, have hope. Find out more. Try and encourage a dialogue, you know, and a good relationship. Teenagers are very difficult, we all know that. We don’t have to be saints and you will get it wrong sometimes. I would say to them, you know, don’t despair, continue to have the love and respect for your child and to and to keep hold of the fact that they are a person, not just a, and I actually hate the term, ‘self-harmer’ because I think that makes someone just a case. But it’s not something that you can ignore. It’s not something that you can hope will just go away on its own. I think you have to get involved.